Friday, September 29, 2017

Prednisone Cost Me a Friend

Sort of.  **sigh**

I have a friend (or she was anyway) who is a really nice girl.  A few years younger than me, but we have a lot in common, we work just down the hall from each other.  Anyway -

Ya'll know prednisone broke my patience, and my speech filter only runs on two wheels.  Well, bless her heart, she's a "fixer".  And I've been told by another friend "its just the mother in her".  Well, I'm a mother too, and I don't try to "fix" people.  And she fires off suggestions to me like an automatic weapon, that's when the prednisone kicks in and I loose patience and then I get short with her.  It wouldn't be a problem except that I didn't ask for suggestions.  Most times I'm just needing somebody to talk to.

She and I and two other friend-girls were having lunch the other day, and I was talking about a personal problem I've been dealing with lately at home.  She immediately launched into the laundry list of things "well, you need to......did you think really need to think about this....." and on and on.  I finally lost patience and I snapped at her.  I just always walk away from her feeling like I just got "schooled" and she talks to me like I'm one of her kids.  I know she doesn't mean it, but I'm on prednisone for Heavens Sake!!  I can barely control it!  And she kept saying "just hear me out...."  well what's the point of "hearing you out" when I didn't ask for suggestions on how to fix it, I just needed an ear, and I'm not going to do what you've suggested because I can't.  So anyway - This is someone I've been eating lunch with practically every day for almost a year.  She hasn't spoken to me since this happened.  I went down there yesterday to her cube and tried to make nice.  And she was nice, but distant.  Ok.  Well, you know.  I got through life without your friendship for decades, and I have other friends.  God bless Pam!  She's not pushy, lets me talk then hugs me, then says "I'm here if you need me ok?"  How hard is that????

I can't help but think that without the prednisone, I'd have just grinned at her, hugged her and said "thanks" then went on about my business.  It is what it is.

Haven't felt good in so long.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

It all went wrong

My departure from work has been held up.  I can't leave in October as I had hoped.  So I'm still here, and it seems I will be here at minimum until after the holidays.  And that's all I can say about that at this point.  Not without getting mad, and that just makes me feel bad.  Its ridiculous and I feel abandoned after 30 years of service, to the point that day care raised my kids (I regret that).   Like I said before, once I'm gone from here, I can be more open about where I work, and why this is taking so long.  Even though nobody here knows I blog, they still watch.  I'm sure there is somebody down in IM that knows I blog.  That's the reason I have to be very careful, with only slight references.  But once I'm gone, I can spill my guts, and I am.  Promise.

Ever since I had that horrendous chest pain a couple months back, I've not been "right" since.  The "dizzy" hasn't stopped yet, and is slowly getting worse.  Its pretty bad.  I've nearly fallen twice now.  Its starting to scare me.  Not having any trouble breathing, but it reminds me a lot of how I felt with the PE.  Just not as bad.  With the PE not only did I have severe dizzy, but my heart would pound when I moved around.  I don't have that, its just the dizzy.  And today it is really really bad.  Kind of scary.

I'm declining.  I've been what we consider "stable" for months now.  Its time for a decline again.  And I am afraid I won't survive this one.  On the other hand, I'm tired of the fight.

I've started giving things away.  The pretty sarong I bought in Cozumel, the crystal clock I got at Filenes in Boston 30 years ago.  Just the small trinkets that sort of meant something to me.  And I read they went out of business a few years ago.  :(   That was one of my favorite places to shop.  I don't know what's going to happen to all m yarn and pattern books. I've offered them up to other crafters, but the shipping is incredible.  I guess the Mr. will throw it all out.  That makes me sad.

I wonder if there's crafting in Heaven.  I think about stuff like that.

Well anyway, not really anything else to report on.  Don't feel well, but that's business as usual.

have a great day!

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

A Line Through My Name - I Gave My Self The Injection

Recently here at Huge Ass Engineering Company, a nice lady who's been here for ever and a day, 40 years to be exact, she recently retired.  Her name is Lauren.  We will miss her. 

But, yesterday I was having a conversation with my good friend Leslie, who it happens was Lauren's time-keeper, and she was telling me that yesterday as she was putting in all the labor for her group, she got to lauren's name, and she said "I just drew a line through her name, and that's the end of it".  And I realized that a little nugget someone shared with me years ago is very true.  5, 6 years after you're gone....most people won't even remember who you were.  Especially in a place this big where "new blood" is coming in all the time.  Seriously, I have office supplies older than some of these new people they've hired just out of college.  I'm not kidding.  I have a pair of scissors that have followed me my whole career.  And soon, I'll just be a line-through-my-name.

My last day is 27 October 2017.  My first day was 16 November 1986.  I was 19 years old.  I'm scared to death.  I've worked most of my life. 

Someone recently asked me what was the one thing, the one memory that stands out about my career and all my years here.  I said "how fast it went by".  Unbelievable.

I fell not too bad today.  I wonder if it will last all day.  I don't get "all day feel good" anymore.  Its usually just a few hours.  That may sound whinny, but it is what it is. 

I gave myself my Humira injection.  All by my self.  For the first time.  :)  The pen is not so bad.  I remember now why I didn't like it, it hurts worse than the syringe.  But since I'm going home, and won't have access to a nurse every day, the pen is something me and the Mr. can do.  well, *he* was doing it.  But now that I see how easy it is, I can do it too :)  That's a good thing.

We are getting some showers today.  I suppose this is coming from Irma.  Not much, just some sprinkles and its really cloudy and over cast.  We have relatives in Tampa.  They made it through, and don't even have any damage.  That's a blessing.

30 Years, and just a line through my name.  I need peace about this. 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Say It Isn't So - And more old pics

For some odd reason....I've been revisiting some of my favorite music.  This one was my favorite H&O tune.  Timeless.  It came out about the time I thought I was "in love" the first time and got my heart broke.  LOL.  This song was at the top of the charts when I moved to Corpus Christi, Texas.  Me and mom lived in a little bungalow on North Beach, just under the Bay Bridge.  Memories..........

Enjoy!  I sure did  :) 

Early 2002 - 3 years before the RA diagnosis

2007 at the meteor crater in Arizona -
I look at these pictures and think My God what this
disease has done to me....

It Keeps Happening

Morning sick.  I don't understand this.  I've been late  to work 4 days in the last week, and even called in on Friday.  Didn't come at all.  Why is this happening?  It doesn't last long, fortunately.  But it comes on really fast, really hard, and then its gone.  Sometimes I hurl.  But if I concentrate real hard on something else, I can keep that from happening.  But with the pollen, its difficult not to cough, especially in the morning now.  Morning cough is getting worse.  And coughing sometimes kicks in the gag reflex.  And also, if I start to sneeze, even that *may* trigger the gag reflex too, and here we go.  I haven't had fever in a while now, so that's good. 

This morning, it started around 4:30am.  I got up and went to the bathroom for morning "constitution" and got back in my chair.  After about an hour it began to subside and I felt confident enough to take something for pain.  Decided to play it safe, and wait on the prednisone and all the others I take in the morning.  By 6:00, I was much better, and went back to sleep.  Woke up around 7:00 and realized I was going to be late....again.  So I got up and got a shower, and just the movement of getting up and moving around started up the tummy sick again.  After showering and partially dressing, I just sat in the chair for about another 1/2 hour.  It was 8:45 before I pulled into the lot.

I can't do this much longer.  I can't.  I've made a decision.  Phone call or no phone call, October 27 is my last day.  The local department of SSI is downstairs.  I'll stop down there, they already have all my paper work, they're just waiting for me to say "go".  I have to apply for that anyway, so be it.   I have 7 weeks of vacation time saved that I've been working sick to save, that I intend to sell back.  Well, if I have to take a few weeks, then so be it.  I CAN NOT KEEP DOING THIS.  Its too much.

Memory Lane

My brother and I have been going through and sharing with each other old pictures in our possession.  This is one of my brother, my dad, and me.  Taken in 1969.  I was 2.  :)  Boy, my dad was a looker at 34, eh?  Even though he had already began to loose his hair.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Pains Rains and Hurricanes

Rain rain rain rain.  We're 8 hours by car, East of Houston.  And still it rains.   I contacted my friends in Corpus Christi, they're all ok.  My son, that one that pretends I'm dead, is ok.  But it took getting Aunt Sandra to txt him to find out, he wouldn't answer us.

Rain.  I heard someone say this is the wettest summer we've had in 24 years.  And you know, I remember that summer.  It was the summer before son #2 was born and our a/c went out.  And I remember that we didn't suffer too much from the heat because it rained so much.  The Mr. and I even went to a minor league baseball game that summer, and ended up getting rained out.  that was one wet summer.  but anyway -

Haven't felt real well since I got this UTI.  I finished the antibiotics, but I'm not convinced I'm over it.  Won't go TMI on you, but well, I just don't think this is over.  I'm thinking its going to take another round.  I'm going to wait out the weekend and see if it bounces back on me before I call.  Don't want to take antibiotics unless I have too.  Just don't feel good.  Can't really remember the last time I felt good.  I'd have to look back on my blog posts to see when I had a "good day" last.  I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm whining.  I have a chronic disease, I can do that if I want.  And I rarely whine anyway.  I'm a master at sucking-it-up, and the fake smile.  But sometimes, I just can't muster it up.  Its getting pretty tight in my chest now.  Really tight.

Two mornings this week, I've woke up puking.  So I've taken to waiting until right before I walk out the door to take my meds.  I refunded a prednisone this morning.  YUK!!!  I don't even take my pain meds until I'm sure the sick is gone.  but anyway, tis what it tis.

The rain makes me ache.  The full-body-feel-like-I'm-getting-the-flu ache.  And still, no phone call from personnel.  However, the official inquiry into my case that was started in July by the "outside help" I enlisted, gave personnel 60 days to respond as to where my case is in the process, and that 60 days are up on Tuesday.  I really feel like I'm about to get "the call".  Once I'm gone from here and I can speak more freely about where and whom I work for, I can better explain these delay's and why it takes so long for this to happen.  But for now, I can't.  As long as I'm still employed here, I have to keep things on the down-low.  I blog from work, and they watch what we do, so sometimes I have to speak in code.  :)  Along those same lines, you may recall how the replacement the bosses selected, backed out on us.  Well, they got a brand new list of selectee's on Monday.  And boss 2 called me in and showed a couple of them to me, the resume's are good, one lady has worked here before and wants to come back, so there'd be very very little training.  I hope they select her.  It would be a very smooth transition.  Boss asked my opinion and I said if I was the one hitting the button, I'd select her.  She's a young married mother of 3, she's not in school, and her husband works here in another department.  I think it would be a good fit.  If he's already "hit the button", then our local personnel has to make the official offer to her, once she accepts, it really only a couple of weeks before we can bring her on.  Our rules are nobody starts in the middle of a pay period.   Its all good.

Ha!  just as I was writing this, resource mgt calls and wants to know what my exit date is.  they are doing the budget for 2018.  I just laughed and told her I dunno.  We talked for a bit and she said "considering what you're going through, you have a great attitude".  well, as I've said before.  throwing myself on the floor, crying and clutching my hair "why me!?!"  isn't going to solve a thing, and it will make my heart rate go up.  So no point in having a bad attitude.  A good attitude makes me feel good.  Its one of the few things I still have control over in this hand I've been dealt.  I'm a normal human, I get down some days.  I cry at night when I'm alone.  I cry in the car when I'm alone. I cry when I think about the fact that I probably will not live to see my grand babies grow to adults.  But then I dry it up and go on.  I can't change it.  I didn't cause it.  The only thing I can do at this point, is make my life as happy and as stress free as I possibly can.  And I only want people who want to be here in my life, at my party.  It is what it is.  Only a miracle from God can change this.  And it can!  He can do it if its His will.  He can change it "just like that".  But I feel at this point, after all these years, if He were going to perform a miracle healing for me, it would have happened by now.  That's not to say it won't at this point.  And the Lord knows my heart.  But I also have to prepare.  What's the old saying "expect the best but prepare for the worst".  That way, I'm ready either way.  There are those who think that being a Believer automatically qualifies us for healing and if we don't get healed then its our fault and we don't have enough faith.  BALONEY.  That's not what my Bible says.  And I don't want to go any further with that line of thinking.  Those are private thoughts only for me.

So here I sit still, looking out my huge window facing the busy street out front.  Watching the rain pour down.  Watching people crossing the parking lot with umbrellas.  Wondering when the rain will ever stop.  I'm SICK OF RAIN.  All I want to do today is go home and watch knit and crochet videos on Youtube.  Can't wait to reveal this "Cameo" afghan I'm making for the grand-girlie!!! SQUWEEE!  It is awesome!

Ok, so hopefully where ever you are, you're not in the line of fire of this storm and you're nice and dry.
Ya'll be sweet.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Happy Birthday My Friend - My Sister In Sickness

Today is Cass's birthday. 


Stop by here , or  here, and wish her a happy birthday.  She's going through a lot, health wise, at the moment.  lets lift her up!  hang in there hun!  We're praying the Embrel will do the trick and get you back on solid ground again.  Much love and gentle hugs, and a dang good happy birthday to you!!