Monday, January 9, 2017

Fear and the Unknown

I found this on Pinterest a while ago, and it is so very true.

The unknown is very scary.  But you know what is blood-chilling scary for me?  Spring pollen flare.  Each successive lung flare has been just a teensy bit worse than the previous, and I never regain the ground I lost.  The Fall (Autumn) flare back in October cracked to ribs.  What's the next one going to do?  And in the Fall,  both lungs swelled for a couple days.  Friends, I'm scared.  Its like this cloud of doom off in the distance getting ever closer.  Since the RA-Lung diagnosis, its all about the lungs now.  Yeah, my shoulder will get a little stiff now and then, the feet and knees ache at the end of the day, the fatigue is mind-numbing.  But for the most part, its all about the lungs.  I'm trying very hard not to be afraid.  But its not easy

I find myself looking at the calendar and counting the weeks.  I live in a warm part of the country known as the "pine belt", the pine tree's are everywhere, and their pollen turns everything yellow-green.  Spring pollen starts at the end of February and can last until early May.  My lung flares have been averaging 6 to 8 weeks long.  6 to 8 weeks of triple the prednisone and pain killer.  I don't want to dwell on it, but I can't help it.  Its like my whole being is holding its breath, standing on the edge of something I can't see the bottom of.  What if this is "the one"?  What if both lungs swell to the point I can't breath and have to go on a vent?  I am afraid.  And I don't want to be afraid.  I want to stand and fight, but I'm so weary of the fight.  I'm tired of fighting.

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