Thursday, January 26, 2017

Its Official

The paper work is done, ready to submit to the home office.  Would you just look at this?

That huge stack on top?  That's just the documentation from my doctor for the last 2 years.  Its over an inch thick.  And I learned some things too.  There are some things that are going on in my body he never told me about.  Such as:

Calcified Granulomatous Disease - A calcified granuloma is an area of inflammation in tissue that has calcified over time until it has the same density as bone. The most common cause for a granuloma in the lungs is a fungal infection called histoplasmosis.

Wow.  I would have liked to know that.  And there are some reports here where I think my condition is downplayed.  You know, I wish I could give my doctors my lungs for just one day.  Just one day.  He'd give them back that's for sure.  I keep seeing "Rheumatoid Lung - Stable"  Really?  Huh.  I had a flare 2 months ago that was so bad in my right lung that it cracked two ribs.  I am currently nursing pulmonary emobolism, but its stable?  Ok, maybe so.  I'm no doctor.  All I know is how I feel.  The pain that comes with filling my lungs with air.  How walking and breathing at the same time, after a meal is not happening.  I can no longer sleep lying down and must sleep in a recliner chair because I can't breath.  Walking from my desk to the ladies room at work absolutely winds me.  The constant shortness of breath, the pounding heart, the light-headedness that never goes away.  I have declined a great deal in the last year in many ways.  But I'm stable.  Ok.  Whatever you say, you're the doctor.

Dr. Eye, my rheumy,  said "you're not nearly as bad off as some of my other interstitial's".  Well, sorry but that doesn't make me feel better.  I can't worry about your other patients, I can only worry about me.  And it doesn't matter anyway.  My not being "as bad off" just means I have more time than they do.  The end result is still the same.  Doctors can be infuriating sometimes.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm not being taken seriously.  I'm not naturally a "drama queen"  never have been.  And my people (friends, the hubs, my kid) get mad at me because they think I keep too much to myself.  The hubs said just a few days ago, "it really bothers me when you are asked are you ok, and you say yes, and I KNOW you are not!".  I had to be almost dragged to the ER when the PE started.  I didn't want to go because I didn't want to be a sick-call-ninja and make a doctor bill that wasn't necessary.  Of course as we saw it was indeed necessary.  but I'm trying to make a point.  And hubs is right, there are times when I'm at the doctors and I don't tell him *exactly* how I feel.  I don't know why, I guess because...I dunno.  I guess maybe because if I vocalize what's going on, it becomes real, its "out there".  I just wish for a little while, they could feel what I feel.  Dr G would probably hug me, he's like that.  I love you Dr G (when you are finally reading this), you're the best doctor I've ever had, and I've been seeing you for 22 years.  But sometimes, I really do feel like I'm not being heard.  And sometimes I really do feel like my condition is not being taken seriously enough.  But anyway.

So all the disability retirement paper work is done and ready to submit.  My position was opened today and officially announced publicly, so looks like my replacement could be on board in just a few weeks.  30 years.  What in the world will I do with myself?

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