Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Chest Pain and Other Fun Stuff

I started having chest pain today.  I always have chest pain, but this time is was bad enough it scared me.  I was on the phone with a vendor (I'm a company buyer) and I thought I was going to have to just hang up, the pain was so bad, it was hard to breath.  Pain started right in the middle of my chest.  It subsided quickly, thank God.  It radiated outwards across my chest and even down into my tummy area.  It was BAD.  Its never hurt like that before.  And I started thinking, is this what its going to get to?  Stress?

No details, long story short.  But I had to cut ties with my oldest.  I tried.  I really did.  But he went too far this time.  He hurt me beyond repair.  I will always love him, he's my son.  There's no switch to turn that off, it just happens.  He could become the next Jack the R*pper, and I'd still love him.  But I don't like who he has become, and I don't respect him as a man, nor as a person.  And he will never have the opportunity to hurt me this way again.  I may change my mind, but right now I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to know about it.  I pray God blesses his life and I wish him well.  But I'm done.  I've paid long enough.  He's hurt beyond repair, the one person on this planet that loves him no matter what, he's biggest fan, his greatest champion.  Par for the course with a Boarderline.  I know them well, I raised my mother who was a flaming boarderline.  But anyway.  Alienate the ones who love you and treat them miserably, then wonder why everybody stays away.  Until he gets the help he needs, there's nothing more I can do.

I woke up this morning thing about it all.  Something happened Sunday that concerns him and my grand daughter, and I've really thought about nothing else.  So if my pain increase is being stressed induced, then I need to step back and do what I said I would do.  Take CARE OF ME.  My son is almost 28 years old.  Grown man.  My work is done.  My well is dry.  The bucket hit the bottom.  All I can do is wipe off the condensation from the sides and use that to self care.  I saw my son two weeks ago when this all started up again, and I'm afraid that was the last time I'll ever see him.  And the sad part, he knows it too, and doesn't care.  At least he doesn't now.   He will.  Oh, he will.  But it will be too late by them.  But anyway.

Taking some Tylenol on top of my Norco to try and get on top of this pain.  Gosh its never hurt like this before.  This is really painful.  


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