Monday, April 17, 2017

Somtimes Depression is a Symptom

I'm depressed.  *sigh*

When my mom died 3 years ago, I inherited her car.  A really nice car.  And you know how old ladies drive.  When I got it, the car was 8 years old and only had 32,000 miles on it.  It was show-room condition.  She only ever went to Walgreens, Walmart, Buger King, and her other favorite drug store.  Oh, and the bank.  That's it.  I know....I checked her bank records. 

Well, I'd had it about 6 months, and something happened to the transmission to the tune of $1,500 in repairs.  Got that taken care of, after being in the shop for a week.  Man....what a fine ride.  My mom may have not had all her mental faculties (a very very long story, for another time), but she had good taste.  In clothes, cars, furniture.  You punch the gas in this thing, and it will get away from you quickly.  Passing and merging is not an issue in this car.  Its a 2006 Toyota Avalon.

I love this car for many reasons, mostly because it was mama's.  Our relationship was so, I dunno the word.  Tragic?  Loving?  Reversed-roles?  All of the above, and then some.  My mother had Boarderline Personality Disorder.  Because of that, I raised her.  Not the other way around.  And now I suspect my oldest son has it too, it can be genetic.  I told you, if there was ever a book about my life, it would have to be billed as fiction because no one would believe it.  I'll just say, for now, I've been grown since I was about 6 years old.  I never really got to have a proper child-hood.  With a parent who's mentally ill (high functioning, but still mental), you spend you time "watching out" for them.  but anyway.......

Yesterday was Easter, and I wanted some veggies to go in the crock pot with my pot roast.  When I came out of the store and cranked her up, it sounded like the starter was dragging (I grew up in a family full of car mechanics, I learned a thing or two).  I tried not to worry too much.  About 1/2 mile from home, all the dash lights came on.  The car didn't loose power or stall, thank goodness.  Then the lights went back off again.  Let me interject here, about 8 months ago, I had to replace the alternator (my son did it) and the part was nearly $400.  Anyway, I made it home, pulled into the drive way and shut her off.  For kicks and grins, I tried to crank it again.  Nothing but a clicking sound.  Oh geez.  *sigh*  Here we go.

I thought about it and thought about it.  And I think I'm just going to sign the thing over to my brother and be done with it.  He was a mechanic for over 20 years, certified mechanic.  He got tired of it and went into AC/HVAC and now works for Lennox.  But he's still a damn good mechanic (so is my youngest son, incredible with their hands and tools).  The car goes to him when I'm gone anyway, because it was our mom's, I want it to stay in the family.  Its considered a "luxury" car by the insurance company, which is code for "all the parts are expensive".  And like I told the Mr. last night, when I come home on disability, our income is going to be slashed almost by 1/2.  We've already cut some expenses, but letting the car go would save $100 a month in insurance and gas.  And it really doesn't make a lot of sense to have two vehicles, when neither of us works.  If my monthly pension was going to be bigger, maybe I wouldn't think this way.  But I have to face reality.  One vehicle is all we need.  And its sad and makes me cry.  There's a lady that I work with that lives 1/2 a block from my house, getting to work isn't an issue.  And of course we have the Mr's truck (which drinks gas like a drunk on a bender).  Its a "man's truck" which means its always filthy.  I hate driving it, but it is what it is.   It's just that I feel like the closer I get to not working (and even not living), I feel like I keep having to "give up" things.  Well anyway, it is what it is.  Nothing I can do about it.  But it does make me sad.  On a side note, I also adopted my mom's dog when she died.  Now the dog is 16, deaf, half-blind, has no teeth.  She's so much work just to upkeep, and I've been thinking about putting her down.  There's another thing.  One more thing to "let go" of.  Her car, her dog.  Its like having to let her go, all over again.  I just feel lately, like I'm losing control of EVERYthing.  Everything.  Except what's in the small realm of my little bedroom.  Well, anyway.  It will take a day or two, but I'll pop back.  I always do.  When you raise two boarderlines, you learn quickly how to shield, deflect, and bounce back.   Or they will eat you up and spit you out.  but again, a different story for another day. 

That's all for today.  I feel ok.  The weekend wasn't too bad.  The pollen was really high yesterday and I stayed on the allergy meds and extra prednisone.  But for the most part, all systems were go. 

And even though this is not a craft blog, just sharing a picture of an afghan I finished over the weekend for a friend.  I could have had it done much sooner, but the fall-flare and then the hospital stay set me back a couple months.  But finally dusted and done.  And she LOVED it.  So do I :)
Once again, so thankful and grateful the RD doesn't bother my hands.  Never has.  And that is a blessing!!

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