Friday, June 30, 2017

A Good Friday Laugh

These are the kinds of people that come to mind when I think about how most don't really appreciate life, not like those of us who fight for our life every day.  Vanity is ugly people.  Apparently this girl must be a trust fund baby to have the time to make as many stupid video's as she has.  Like the ones where she discusses her monthly issues, and apparently lots and lots of people "wanna know", look at how many hits she gets.  But anyway...what a dumbed-down world we live in when this is what entertains us.  But then I am an old

I don't follow her (LOL Like I would), just every now and then youtube will "suggest" one of her vids, I don't know why, and this one popped up today.  I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.  Now, I know its been a couple of decades since I was all young and hot, but have girls *really* fallen this far down the vanity rabbit hole?  I dunno.  You decide.  Warning:  Watching this video may kill brain cells.

I give you......Toilet Paper Lips

ROFL!!!!  Hey, if you're going to put it out there, you gotta expect some feed back.

ya'll go have a good weekend.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Tummy Issues.....Still.

I missed work yesterday.  Tummy issues keep coming, never ending, only a break of a few days, then its back to IBS with D....and sometimes N too.  **sigh**

I'm not in a good place today.  But anyway.

Sent of a letter of inquiry Tuesday, to the home office personnel administration, asking for their help in getting my package pulled from the bottom.  We'll see.  I think the official offer was *supposed* to be made to my replacement, yesterday.  I wasn't here so I dunno if that happened, and I really don't want to ask the boss, because I've pestered him enough about it.  It will happen when its time I guess.

Going to sit here today and just nurse my queasy belly.  Nothing to see here.....

Lets enjoy something funny.  One of my all time favorite shows, without the original 3, it will never be the same, the BBC should just give it up.

The Best of Top Gear Best Bits and Funny Moments

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A Good Laugh For Today - My Story and I'm Sticking To It

You know what's embarrassing and yet extreamly funny?  When you are confident you're alone in the office, and you already have bowel issues anyway, and you cut a big one.  Then you hear the bosses chair move in the other room, like he's stifling a laugh.  And suddenly it hits you, "I think he heard could he not, it was a 6.5 on the Richter scale! Busted!"   You just have to play it off.  You know?  :) :) :)  Hey!  Don't act like you never cut a big one, its the meds ok?  That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.  Even as adults....breaking wind is still funny.  He got up and went to a meeting, but he could barely make eye contact.  MWAHAHAHAH.....he walked out and I started to laugh uncontrollably.  Ah well....if that's the worst thing I have to deal with today, I'm in pretty good shape.
Ya'll be sweet, and don't hold it in, it hurts and you might rip something you need. 

Monday, June 26, 2017

Nothing New To Proclaim And That's A Good Thing

Now that I've adjusted the prednisone again (I'm now taking it every 10 hours instead of 10 1/2, that seems to be the sweet spot, as long as I remember that is, that's a huge part of the problem....I forget), the fever is leaving me alone.  On Saturday, I was supposed to take it at 1:30pm.  At 3:30 I was sitting in my chair, and suddenly (and I do mean suddenly), I felt like I'd been run over and I thought, "ohmygosh! why do I feel so bad.........oh."  I looked at the clock and realized I was 2 hours late on the pred.  It took a full hour to kick in.  I'm researching little timer options. 
I don't wear a watch, never have, ever.  I know that's weird, most people do.  But I don't.  I've never been much of a "jewelry" type girl.  I always loved, and still do, a pretty pair of earrings, especially nice hoops.  I wore sterling silver hoops for decades.  I haven't even worn a wedding ring in probably 25 years or longer.  So getting one of those fancy things people wear these days on their wrist, not happening.  To me, wearing anything on my wrist makes me feel the same way some feel about wearing turtle-neck sweaters.  It bothers me, and I find myself pulling on it constantly.  So, I'm open for any suggestions.  Some have said, set my phone, and that is actually a viable option.  But I don't always have my phone with me.  I guess I'd have to make allowances for that.  But anyway, I'm researching and looking around for some type of "reminder" buzzer/ringer/knock on the head whatever it takes so I don't forget.
Moving the rest of my belongings out of the office today.  Making room for the new girl coming in.  Of course, we already hit a snag.  The guy in personnel didn't do his part of the paper work, so we're already late.  I was hoping they'd make the offer today (it has to be all "official" and sh*t), but it looks like that might not happen until later in the week.  No worries.  None of this has gone off without hitches so far.
Felling ok today.  DID NOT want to come in this morning.  Its getting harder and harder, to do this.  But soon enough....soon enough.
And!!! On a happy note, by next week, I should have some good news to share with the world.  Some really really good news.  Something that will change my life again, it directly effects me, but in a good way.  So there's a bone, now you'll have to wait! 
So lets go "do" Monday.  Lets have a good week!

Thursday, June 22, 2017

This Isn't Funny Anymore - or - I've Lost My Mojo - UPDATED

Kind of depressed today.  I guess getting up 5 times in the night to go pee, means I've not slept well.  Woke to a bout of nausea, that blessfully didn't last long.

I don't really have morning stiffness anymore, not much.  You've heard me say that once the organs became involved, its almost like its in a mini-remission everywhere else.  One thing, no two actually, but one thing that lingers is the morning "blah".  That first hour or two when I wake up and think, "I can't do this today.  How will I get through the whole day?  shut up and get up and get in the shower, move it!"  The other is fatigue.  Mind-numbing fatigue.  You know what I speak of.  Generally, after a couple hours, and I've had a hot shower (which wipes me out, and it takes forever to get dressed afterwards), I begin to feel more myself.  Ok, yeah, I can do this.  Again.  For a few hours.  But no promises!

I'm at my peak between the hours of 10:00am and 3:00pm.  Before and after that, I'm pretty useless. 
I don't speak of it very much, because this blog is about my journey with this disease.  But most everybody knows I crochet and I knit.  I learned to crochet as a kid when I was about 11 years old, in 1978.  I didn't learn to knit until about 5 years ago I guess now, and I taught myself from youtube video's.  Down through the years I've hooked many many afghans.  Now, with all these new lovely hand dyed yarns that, back in the 70's, where not available to us, I've even ventured out and made some clothing.  Seriously, ya'll remember all those hideous acrylic crochet flower-power vest in the 60's and 70's?  YUK!  But its true to say, even acrylic has come a very long way, and the quality and large range of dyers we have to choose from, has made it such a pleasure.  I love that I can do this. 

Because now, it has kept me sane, in a world that sometimes seems against me.  And I have to confess, I've lost my craft mojo.  I barely pick up a hook, or needles these days.  You may remember I mentioned that back in the winter, I spent some of my bonus on a new recliner to sleep in.  I moved into my yarn room, so every night I sleep surrounded by yarn, and crochet/knitting notions.  I have a massive pattern book collection (several hundred I'd guess), some are several years worth in subscriptions, some I've bought as stand alones, and I even have a copy of each of Doris Chan's books that are now out of print.  And as I was getting dressed this morning, I looked all around me and thought "there is NO way I will work my way through all this yarn before I go." 

See, the plan has been to just start making blankets.  Grab a random ball, make it a giganto granny square, or some other easy pattern, when that ball runs out, grab another, and just keep making them till I run out.  I have a stash of "the good stuff", and I've got a couple of beautiful shawls on the hook and needles to use that.  I don't use "good stuff" for afghans that are going to get some serious use.  Ok, point being, I think its time to face reality, and begin a search to see if maybe I can donate some of it.  My pattern stash alone, all total, I'd say has probably cost me in the area of several thousand dollars.  I had thought I might open an Etsy shop when I'm retired and sell them.  But I'm beginning to think that's probably not going to happen.  That makes me sad.  I just don't think I'll have the where-with-all to run it, all those trips to the post office.  I dunno.  I have several that are no longer in print.  One of Doris Chan's, the hard cover edition has been listed on amazon for over a thousand dollars!!!  and I have that one!  Its not hard cover, but still.  out of print is out of print.

I have to make a new plan, I guess.  One more thing.  But I sit in there at night and think "I really need to work on this, or I really need to finish that..."  And I don't.  I'm so tired by the time I get home, that all I really want to do is drink a fruit smoothie, do our daily bible study, then loose myself in Netflix or on youtube (I've been binge watching The Tudors.....again:) , I've lost my craft mojo.

Maybe a trip to the LYS (the local yarn store) and just get a little something like a new needle I don't have.  Maybe that will re-start my engine.  I wish they would hurry up and process me.  I'm ready to be at home permanently. 

Well anyway - I'm having dinner tonight with two friend-girls, if the weather permits.  We have a tropical storm "Cindy" blowing through the area today and tomorrow.  We're meeting at The Gumbo Pot.  I don't like gumbo, but I hear their fried shrimp po-boy's are to-die for.  So that's what I'll be having.  I don't like Cajun food much at all.  But I do love a good shrimp creole over rice, New Orleans style.  I like shrimp any way you make it (some people call them prawns I think).  Now I'm  hungry.

Have an appointment with the throat doctor this afternoon, getting my tube looked at, see if we can figure out why swallowing is so difficult sometimes, even liquids get stuck now and then.  Yes, I've done some Googling and I've researched a couple things, but I no longer try to guess this thing, because the last couple times it has surprised me.  So we'll see.

Be sweet.

Later that morning.....
Dr. G's nurse just called to check on me.  I **heart** you Dr. G!!  You are the kindest, most caring doctor I've ever had, even though I still think you've hid some things from me.  But I forgive!  And I wouldn't go anywhere else!
Even later that same day:
My replacement has been selected!!!!!!    Yipeeeeee!!!  One more step in the process.  Now, the next thing is to get a fire lit under the home office on my paperwork. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Tummy Issues Continue On And A Recipe of Sorts

Oh the tummy issues.  **sigh**  Last night, I managed to make a nice dinner after work, just pushed through and leaned on the counter top a lot.  I made a gorgeous potato/ham/spinach/egg and cheese frittata, with the potatoes set on the bottom as the “crust”.   Ohmygravy!  You should make this. 

Anyway – I went to sit in my chair while waiting for the frittata to rest and the eggs to set.  Within 5 minutes, I was so sick at my stomach, with shooting pains all across my belly, I had to go to my bedroom and get in bed.  I called the Mr. to bring me a cold wet towel.  I was trying hard as I could not to throw up because I’d taken meds.  You don’t want to throw up your meds.  The taste, then there’s that whole “now I’m short” issue.  So he brought me a cold wet towel and I covered my forehead with it and turned out the lights.  How I fell asleep I have no idea, with that kind of “sick”, but I did.  45 minutes later I work up.  Belly was fine, and as each minute passed I got better and better.  Within a few minutes, it was as if it never happened.  Forrest Gump disease……you just never know what your gonna get.  I felt well enough to have a small wedge of the frittata.   And I left it at that, drank some water, took some Tylenol PM and went to bed.

This morning, its baaaaack.  Not to the degree of last night, but I’m queasy.  It comes and goes like this.  For 30 or 40 minutes, I’ll feel like I’m going to hurl and its going to land across the street.  My skin goes white and pale, I sweat, and the heart rate goes up.  Then it slowly begins to wane, and before you know it, its gone.  Like it never happened.

I’m out of DanActive and this is day two, so a trip to wallyworld is in my day at some point.  That will help.  A lot.  I didn’t have one yesterday, so that could be why I’m having the issues.  You know I swear by this stuff.  Seriously. 

Ok, here’s how I make my frittata.  It feeds me and the Mr. at least two meals each.  A portion for dinner, then left overs.  I make mine in a 10 inch skillet that has a lid.

Slice thinly about a half cup of onions and put them in the skillet with a few drizzles of olive oil (or your oil of choice).  Cook them on medium heat with a tad of salt, until they are well on their way to soft.  Turn the heat down now a bit.

Take one good sized russet baking type potato, scrub and wash it real good, then slice it into thin rounds. 

Place the potato rounds in a single layer all around the skillet, even up the sides, and on top of the cooking onions.  Place the lid on it, and turn the heat down to low.  You want to give the potatoes time to cook almost completely.  For my stove on low, I let them cook about 10 minutes.  Don’t stir, and let them cook in a layer like that.

While that is cooking, beat 4 eggs, and add some meat.  I take 3 slices of smoked sandwich ham Oscar Myer I think, and just chop it up into pieces.  Beat this into the eggs and set aside.

I keep a bag-o-frozen spinach in the freezer all the time, so I take out about a ½ cup and thaw it for about 45 seconds on the microwave, set it aside.

I always have shredded cheese on hand, and for this I happened to have a parmesan/reggiano mix and a cheddar mix.  I put ½ cup of each into a bowl.

Now, it should be about time that the potatoes are ready.  Remove the lid and pour in the egg/ham mix.  Don’t stir it, just let it fall as it may.  Crumble in the spinach, then add all the cheese, a little salt and pepper, and put the lid back on.  I have an electric stove, and I cook mine now on 2.  For gas, I would say this is a flame that is barely there.  You don’t want to scorch the potatoes, you just want the eggs to cook and the cheese to melt.  Keeping it lidded I have found really helps.

I cook mine on very low heat like this for about 8 minutes.  Then, I turn the heat off, keep the lid on, and let it “set” for another five minutes or so.


Then Enjoy!!!!  It is delicious.  And not nearly as much work as it sounds like.  Here’s a picture.  This is not mine, I totally swiped it from the net, but this is very close.  I think this one has broccoli as the veggie.  I’ve often thought that chopped asparagus would be good to.  But anyway:


So yeah, tummy issues again. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

The Tummy Bug Clings For Dear Life - And Another product review.

That tummy bug is still with me.  I'm still having "episodes".  In between those said "episodes", I'm ok.  But just before an "episode" (hehe....I have a thing for quotation marks :), the tummy begins to rumble and get noisy.  Then the pain begins, then I feel the gears shift, and its a dash to the rest room.  Sorry if TMI, I have to get it all down for posterity.  I try to make it as generic as possible.

Last night in the middle of the night, I had a coughing spell that was so bad, I had to change clothes.  I will leave that one to your imagination.  Just woke up feeling like I was choking.  One of the side effects (one of oh so many) of the prednisone, is a very VERY dry mouth at night (for me anyway).  I can wake up and the sides of my throat are literally stuck together.  That's why I sleep with my Yeti filled with ice water every night.  I don't know what triggered the cough spell, but when I coughed, my throat was stuck together and my top lip, I kid you not, was stuck up above my teeth to the gums, like my lips had dried out and began to recede.  What a lovely picture, I know.  Anyway, I grabbed a drink and got it down before the next round of cough.  The tickle down in my throat started, and away we go!  10 minutes later, I've completely wet myself (sorry), and I'm in the floor trying to crawl to the bathroom.  I sleep on the other end of the house from the mister, so I'm kinda on my own down there, unless I yell for him.  but I don't like waking him up unless its absolutely necessary, you know?

Yeti!!  I **heart** my yeti!  My oldest brother gave it to me for Christmas, and had it monogramed with my initials in big letters, and my pet-name (the one my dad branded me with at birth is "Lucy" which has nothing to do with my actual name, everybody just got a pet name, its my dad's way) on the other side.  :)  I love it.  If you don't have a Yeti, get one!  Mine will keep ice water cold all night long, and its still has ice in it when I get up.

Other than that, I'm fairly well.  Just waiting to get test results on lab work from last week.  I just did that Friday, so it will be a few days yet.  Oh, I also have pulled my right shoulder AGAIN (!!).  Not as bad as the last two times, I'm managing.  I think it may be from using my right arm to work the crank on my recliner/sleep chair.  Hurting down my neck (it always hurts but....) into my right should blade.  Same place as before, same injury as before, just not as bad.....yet.  As I recall, the last two times I injured this shoulder, it started out very suttle for the first two days or so, then WHAMMO!  Emergency Room at 3:00am.  Long story.

Anyhooo-  All systems are go (some systems are going too much...see above...but eh, it could be worse).  Ya'll have a great week!!


Friday, June 9, 2017

A Doctor Visit - Samples on Demand Updated

I saw Dr. G yesterday about the fever, and how over the last few days I've had more painful bowel issues and the nausea.  Well, first off he told me there's a tummy bug going around (I KNEW it!!), so that is probably what is going on there, and its probably the doubling up on the DanActive that has kept it from being any worse.

As for the fever - he sent me home last night with a cup and wanted me to cough up some lung goo.  Not so easy.  My cough is generally very dry.  If I take a Mucinex I might can get something up.  So I tried and tried last night and the two times I did manage it, the gag-reflex kicked in and that's the end of it.  **sigh**  I also, when I pulled in the clinic lot this morning, realized I'd not had any water yet and had already went to the bathroom.  No way was I going to be able to pee on demand.  So I just left.  I'll sit here and drink water and hold it, then go back later around my lunch break time and give that and give some blood.  As for the sputtle, I don't know that I can give that.  I tried, and I'm sore for it.

Dr. G said it was probably time for a new CT and heart echo.  So I will probably be doing that in the near future.  It's been over 6 months since the hospital stay and the PE, so I'm sure we need to see if the clots are absorbing.  But as I said, big deal.  The damage is done.  But still.

So nothing new yet.  Going to wait to see what the blood draw and the liquid sample shows upon testing.  I'm sure it will be next week before I hear on that.  Until then you guys have a great weekend.  take it easy.  Chill and be still :)  I'm planning to work on some projects myself.  Hopefully I will have a new finished shawl to share.


Later that same day......
I went back to the clinic.  I saved up and didn't go to the bathroom all morning, I was hopping on one leg by the time I got there.  :)   So they took a whole bunch of blood and I left them some other liquid too.  Still no lung goo.  I tried.  I really did.  He'll just have to go with what I gave.  Maybe I can get it up this weekend.  But should it go in the fridge?  hmmmm....maybe I'll just nix that part and see what he says.  Now we wait for results.

I almost hope its an infection.  We can treat that.  If its not an infection......well, lets not borrow trouble.  Ya'll have a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Not a Good Day

The left lung is hurting, down in the bottom in my back.  Hurts to breath, ohmygosh I sneezed, pain.  Extra prednisone will be on the schedule I'm sure.  I woke up at 3:00am and couldn't get back to sleep until after 5:00, so I feel like a zombie.  Ran fever yesterday evening of 100, it took 3 hours and 2 Tylenol Arthritis (that's over 1,300mg of acetametaphin) before it came down.  I'm calling Dr. G today to see if I can come bring some samples as I had planned to do a week ago and didn't do, just to see if there's a mystery infection going on somewhere.  I've started keeping a record of it again, so I can show him.  I feel like I ran a 10K yesterday, with sand bags attached to my body.  ***cry***

I'll be back another day.

Update - Got an appointment with Dr. G tomorrow at 3:45.  I made the mistake of eating some scrambled eggs to try and cushion my tummy from all the meds down in there, now it feels like I'm going to have an irritable bowel episode.  **pain**  **cry**.   Stupid RA.  I hate you.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Where Are We Now?

For the 3 or 6 people who stop by here now and then, you will know I follow Cassie on Youtube.  Cassie and I, and many others like us, are paddling the same type of boat.  Interstitial Lung Disease (Pulmonary Fibrosis) caused by Rheumatoid Disease, and all that comes with it.  Happy happy.  :/  Cassie gives us updates on how she's doing, I like that.  We (as in "we interstitials and RA'ers) have to watch out for each other.  We have to be our own advocates, our own t-shirt wearing cheer leaders, our own pep-squad.  I though I'd do the same.  As a matter of record for the doctors, you know.  *grin*

You know, just in the last week I've been told "you have such a good attitude" by no less than 3 people.  I always want to ask, "would you rather see me puddled on the floor in a sea of my own tears, tearing my hair out by the roots and screaming Why Why? with my fist in the air?"  That's just silly.  :)  I know I know.  Terminal disease, tragic car accidents, babies dying just hours after birth, people at the wrong place at the wrong time being caught up in some deadly incident having nothing to do with them, kidnapped children.  These things happen to some one else.  Until they happen to you.  I will be 50 in July.  I've lived a nice long life.  It hasn't always been easy.  There are many MANY things I'd do very differently, if given the chance, some things I wouldn't change a thing.  But bottom line is I've lived a long life.  Parts of it are tragic, especially the early parts.  Parts I'll take to my grave with me.  And parts that, to this day, make me smile when I think about them.

Where I am today healthwise -

Lately, again, or should I say, "continuing".  Anyway - I have been running fever again.  Its very sporadic, no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens.  That being said, if I am more than an hour late on my prednisone, I'll begin to run fever (low grade, 99.  Maybe 100, but usually around 99), and it can sometimes take hours to get on top of.  And I know that 99 degree fever doesn't seem like much, but my baseline temp is lower than the accepted normal of 98.6, which, lets remember is just an average, its not an absolute.  My normal baseline temp runs around 96 to 98.  So, 98.6 actually means I have a slight temp.  so 99 means I feel shitty.  I know I'm not alone in this, even though medical people will stare at you with that "bless her heart" look when you tell them this.  Fever.

So what does this mean?  I'm not sure except that it would probably be inflammation fever, which leads to the logical conclusion of greater disease activity. 

I'm having pain in the lower quadrants of both lungs when I cough very hard, or if I attempt to take a huge breath, filling both lungs.  Which actually I can't fill them, but as full as I can get them.  Dr. G says there are diminished lung function sounds from the bottom up, a few inches I guess.  Progress.  The round circle in the middle of my chest hurts a lot.  I can generally stay on top of it with the pain killer and prednisone.  But that one spot, right in the middle there, lets me know toot-sweet when its time/past time for prednisone.  Its been over a year since I had my heart checked, that needs to be done again.  Sometimes, actually it happens a lot, my heart will skip beats, and when that happens, for about a nano-second, I get a head rush.  The blood clots are probably well on their way to being absorbed.  But big deal, I have infarction (dead tissue) where the clots were, so even if the clots absorb, the permanent damage is done.  So I don't get to "feel better", at this point, all we can really do is attempt to prevent new clots.  What a sucky situation, eh?  I forgot to mention the whistling sound and the mewing cat sounds that come from my lungs sometimes.

The back of my neck is fat.  Fortunately, I don't have the large "buffalo hump" so many prednisonies have (Did I just coin a term?  Prednisonies - People who are permanently dependant on the drug prednisone. Adjective.  Love it.).  Now.  That's not to say I didn't get the prednisone fat-shift.  All the fat on my body, including the added-fat from the drug and the fluid, it all migrated from my arss, up to my middle, and I now have a belly that looks like I could give birth anyday now ( And I used to sport a 28 inch waist...bye bye!!).  I have these bird legs, and a prednisone body from the hips up.  I look like an apple, with two tooth picks stuck underneath.  Moon face.  Lets not forget the moon face, not to be confused with Moon Pie :)

Moon Pies are really just a round s'more.  Chunk one in the microwave for about 15 seconds.  Bam!  Giant S'more.

I think I need to see an Ear/Nose/Throat doctor.  Because sometimes its hard to swallow.  Like my throat is swollen.  Even liquids are hard to get down sometimes.  And my voice comes and goes sometimes.  Not so much lately, but it happens.  The nausea comes and goes.  it hasn't been too bad lately.  And thankfully, it doesn't last long.

I've already been to the eye doctor and got the RA in the eyes diagnosis, so I have that going for me.  I've accepted that blurred vision is just part of life now.  Even with the best glasses.  The lid on my right eye stays swollen all the time, so most days, its hanging down over my eye, like an eye stye and both eyes always look dark, like I either got punched in the face, or I haven't slept in days.  When I first wake up, I have vampire eyes.

Biggest complaint?  At the moment, how hard it is to breath when its humid outside.  When its really really warm, or hot and humid, I mostly have to stay in doors.  Which is fine, because I don't go outside much anyway.  The thought does cross my mind that after I get home for good on retirement, I'm going to have to make myself get out as much as I can.  If I can.

A Good Report?

Why yes!  Take a look at my shingles:

Two months out.  It looks really really good.  However, I'm still convinced its going to leave some scaring.  Again, that one in the middle is really deep, even though you can't really tell here.

My weight.  *sigh* I really don't want to talk about my weight, but its part of the problem.  I've gained 60 pounds on the prednisone since November 2015.  I will say I seem to have hit a plateau.  I haven't gained anything in several months, since before the hospital stay in November.  That's good news!!   Every little bit helps.  I try not to worry too much about it anymore.  With the time I have left, I'm going to eat the food I love to eat, in moderation.  I'm always aiming to drink more water, and I do.  But at this stage of the game, damned if I will deny myself a piece of chocolate cake because I'm worried about....whatever (calories, carbs, gluetens, whatever!).  Those days are long gone.  I will never sport a 28 inch waist again.  I will never wear a size 10 again, I will never weigh 140 pounds again.  And I will never be 5ft 8" tall again.  Never.  So I let it go.  The bloom was lovely while it lasted.  Let it go.  I have bigger fish to fry, more important things to ponder, than the size of my back yard....however, I will not lie and say it never crosses my mind.  I just let it cross, then kick it out.  :)

Bottom line from my perspective - I'm progressing.  And not in a positive direction.  It is what it is.  I pray for courage, and strength, and the grace to face it with dignity.  And I always try to remember what Joey said "Its going to be ok.  Even if its not ok."

Till next time!  Tootles - Just breath.